I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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