I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
