Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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