My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
