i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just threw up on my dentist
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
