If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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