I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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