My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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