You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
