I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
