well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
