So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
