Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
