I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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