Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
