so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
