I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
