my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
