i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
