and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
