Why are handjobs necessary in class?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
