Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
