i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
