i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
