I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
