There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
