My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
