I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
