The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
