So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
