I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
