he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
