I'm gonna have a badass scar
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
