just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
