watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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