I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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