The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
