I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
