I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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