As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
