Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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