I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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