someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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