There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
