Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
