Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
