We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
