The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
