after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
