Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
