i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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