Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
