textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
