Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
